When I vowed to put me first at the start of this year, I really meant it. Felt at my core that it was time. Overdue in fact.
I've been really quiet.
For the first couple of months this year I hunkered down, wanted to take things slow, knowing life would open up itself to me when warmer months arrived. I did achieve some lovely things like meeting my friends baby, travelling to stay with my best friend in Gloucester and redecorating our bathroom, but mostly I spent what I could and a little more on frequent Deliveroo orders, attempting to muddle through a period of time that I hate, I always hate. Every year.
The silly thing is, nothing in my life during those dreary days was wrong. I just despise enduring the cold and damp whilst waiting for Spring. Life was steady I must admit. I was feeling in control and free. Yet somehow, this week with a sunburnt face, I sit in bed at 8pm on a Friday evening, close to tears daily when I think about the sudden and sad news I've had to swallow recently. News that I thought I'd left behind last year, that feels more momentous to digest second time around. News to actually feel sad about, but now I can't afford the many takeaways Winter me devoured in plentiful. Sucks to be me? I know.
I waited for sunshine; I thought I could wait for joy.
Turns out you never have enough time. You can feel sorry for yourself and dwell just because but, when life really hits the fan, then you'll feel like a real idiot for not seeing what you had when you had it. That's where I'm at.
The thing is happiness can be found all year round if you want to see it. Sometimes you just have to squint really tightly and I wasn't doing that. I had my eyes wide open, knowing that things were good, my brain just felt sluggish from Christmas, worn down and I resented the KFC I couldn't stop ordering. I assumed I suppose that naturally my mood would subside and I would emerge from my sofa in Spring with a smile on my face.
Funny thing. That didn't happen. I may have started making the odd appearance in the office again, got myself a couple new tattoos, changed my hair and gave the house a big clean, but my brain still felt uncomfortable and empty. I wanted to stay indoors, in my bubble and I still do, still am a lot which introvert me is quite pleased about that. I briefly thought about trying to spread out, changing to meet the approval of others, but that's not me. A conclusion I came to one May Monday afternoon when my entire outlook shifted.
I can't explain but I know time will do that for me.
I'm not sure I'm fully present, but I'm not at breaking point either. Just lounging on the surface, spacing out on the sofa, lulling about in-between calm weeks and super stress. Laying low, taking deep breaths and focusing on my needs - how I intend to control all the feels. Saying no when I mean it, leaving when I feel overwhelmed, eating all the food I want and can afford, watching my comfort shows, reading in the garden, calling my mum.
What I'm trying to tell you is, I'm navigating some big emotions and with that comes a pull towards spending less time attached to my blog or social media in general. I'm still here, but also I'm not and that's cool with me. Not something that needs a big chat about, just a natural feeling or wave. Part of aging when I sit down to recognise that we never have enough time for the people we love most. Without guilt, just grief, I come to terms with the inevitable.
For now, this Summer, more lovely sunshining light days please. Good food, day trips in cute dresses and blissful moments to soak up all the love and light I can find with the most important person in my life.
Not everything sucks - makes a mental note.
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