A hot minute since I sat down to write, right? I'm sorry, but also I'm not.
It's been an odd couple of months. Full of uncertainty but also stability, with only me trying to challenge the calmness I've found in recent months. A calmness I'd been searching for career and relationship wise for as long as I can remember. How did I not realise I was living the life 2020 me had been dreaming of I'll never know, but there we are.
You could say I'd been trying to flip the table upside down, causing a fuss and creating pressure or upset where there was none. It's kind of laughable really to think that, life has been really wonderful lately and actually it's also been simultaneously hectic and sad for more than just myself. I couldn't tell you why I've been searching for more and feeling guilty for not grasping opportunities that have presented themselves, or even actually trying to grasp onto some that honestly are really really out of reach: buying a home for one or thinking about marriage and children.
All okay though friends. I've had some strong words with myself in recent weeks, my partner had some things to say too, and my mum chimed in once or twice. In short, life doesn't need to change unless I want it to and if I don't then that's okay. Control what you can and worry about the rest when it unfolds. My life is good, we are good, everything is good. I knew this. I just needed a very firm reminder because apparently it's been all too easy to forget, easy to compare, easy to let everything unravel... and I came close. You know what though, life is hitting that sweet spot for me once again, where I'm feeling a sense of cool or control after living through these hard feelings and having confronting conversations that led to big crying moments.
So I'm sat here comfy cosy. It's a Wednesday, I'm slightly groggy and grateful that I chose two silly little days at the end of March to use up some last minute annual leave. I'm planning some things, catching up with other blogs I love, eating fancy shortbread and pondering what I might cook for dinner. I'm all caught up with MAFS Aus and this evenings plans are wide open, which is why I'm chatting here finally to you. Casually writing, not worrying about being everything to everybody and, not minding today that no one knows I'm home. All quiet, all alone, all good.
Sun shining and Spring arriving in some respects fueled my motivation to begin writing again, whilst considering how I might want to tweak things going forward. Spending lots of time offline in order to not sacrifice my wellbeing during many darker Winter moments was pretty lovely too in terms of managing some of the heavy moods I'd been dealing with, and now resurfacing feels light and fluffy. Just how it should and just how I'd hoped.
Whilst spending weeks away clenching my jaw and scribbling confused notes in my phone that felt crushing at the time, I've loved sharing less online and being more present with those I appreciate most. Something I plan to do more often. Just putting my phone down, even leaving it at home and actively listening more deeply than ever to the people right in front of me. The people I care about the most and some I wish would learn to put their phones down too. Even actually just listening to myself as well and realising that the many voices in my phone can be shut off when the comparison trap is looming and I don't always realise that I'm overwhelmed.
So! What have I actually been up to? I've written a list, which yes, was also once a rough note in my phone.
- Met my friends baby and loved cuddles. Spoiling him forever now fyi.
- Travelled to Gloucester to visit my bestie. We bar crawled, ate well and I visited the glorious Gloucester services on my return... and accidentally spent £40 on fancy crisps, biscuits and wine.
- Found myself getting two new tattoos after a bad day which are now accidentally my favourites. Not all bad days are that bad I guess!
- Caught up with old colleagues at my local Boston Tea Party and ate my favourite brunch ever (sweetcorn hash - order it and thank me later) for the first time this year.
- Shopped on ASOS to lift my Spring wardrobe and rid myself of tattered looking clothes.
- Dog sat for mum. Adored time spent with her old timers and found myself crying whilst sat amongst daffodils with them, wondering how many moments we'll have left to share.
- Helped a friend find a new job she'll love and made myself available for pep talks on the reg.
- Played the Sims 4 and downloaded custom content that future me may regret.
- Watched every Spiderman movie and used them as an excuse to keep buying popcorn.
- Ordered KFC regularly for a Wednesday lunch and wondered, am I depressed or just obsessed.
- Continued to work from home, never wanting to stop.
- Got my hair cut shorter than I intended but am loving it. Goodbye damage, hello health.
- Made my best ever lemon drizzle cake. A week later tried to replicate it and failed miserably.
- Gave the house a big Spring clean and rearranged the bedroom in a fit of angst.
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