Validating My Feelings & Learning to Apologise Less

I'm right at the beginning of this lil personal development expedition, one where I'm trying to unlearn my biggest downfall or worst behaviour if you will, whilst enjoying my favourite season and becoming a frequent flyer at my nearest beach. 

That behaviour? Apologising. Something I like to think we all struggle with more than we should. Or maybe not. Maybe some of us are more stubborn or, already have the boundaries I'm trying to set...

I always try wholeheartedly to be truthful but, I'm accutely aware that I try to spare people's feelings a lot.  Meaning that even when I meant what I said, I still apologise down the line for hurting someone's ego. On occasion even sprinkling white lies into conversation to save discomfort. There's absolutely zero benefit in doing this, so why does my brain deem this practice necessary?

Whatever the situation, whether it's a disagreement between family or an offended friend, I'm always left feeling uncomfortably nervous, and sorry for myself because I dislike the thought of people talking about me. We all care on some level about how we're perceived, I'm sure, but whatever I'm feeling eats me up for days and I need a lot of reassurance from those close to me to confirm that my feelings are valid. My fear of being disliked is totally irrational and fuelled by unwarranted paranoia. Whatever the size of my blunder, I worry too much. I can't let go. But, I can't continue living this way whenever uncomfortable conversations arise. It's time to make amends with myself and to let go. 

Now, it's time I step up and accept that not everyone is going to approve of what I say, how I choose to live my life or, what I publish online. And, to grasp that this fact is entirely okay because we can't please everyone and, we shouldn't want to. 

Something I always knew but feel as though I've lost sight of  in recent weeks is that, our phones are our safe space. The space where we access content we adore, admire, feel inspired or comforted by. This world shouldn't be filled with hate, confusion or upset, which is why when something no longer serves us we need to hit unfollow asap. I suppose that stands through all aspects of life. But, there's this feeling. A pull occasionally that gravitates us towards content we don't want to see, because secretly do. It's the same with our real life relationships. We like hurting ourselves. Replaying scenarios, fact checking and reassuring ourselves that we're the good guys. It's a horrible feeling, one I've felt disturbed by. Checking whether I'm still friends with someone on Facebook for example or, reading content on a subject I know I find distressing. The temptation to look is shameful because we know the information is so damn easy to access but, sometimes we need to show ourselves some restraint or willpower to do better. To brush things off, walk away and put the phone down!

Last night my feelings of dread, guilt and shame felt at their worst; this morning when I woke up the mood continued. Then Nedra Glover Tawwab popped up on Instagram and said something along the lines of "stop making excuses for why people hurt you." - claiming that by apologising we make excuses for someone who's treated us like shit, enabling their unhealthy behaviours to continue. Suddenly, it hit me! I can't have it my way all of the time. Big shocker. I can't say how I feel and then take it back days later because I'm upset about how a situation may have played out, or because I couldn't control the negative response I received through vocalising my emotions. And, if I choose to keep doing this I'll continue to constantly invalidate my feelings, turning myself into the villain by reading back through old messages or, uselessly replaying situations in my mind, to quite blatantly allow myself to live a miserable existence. This habit has got to go because I'm beginning to see now that, no not everything is my fault and, it's up to the people who disappoint me too to put in the work. These situations that test us are never one-sided, but for a long time I've only been contemplating my downfalls and picking apart my own words, when instead maybe I should have seen that other people in moments of conflict are rubbish too, sometimes, more than me! That's on them. I don't deserve to wallow for weeks on end because of someone else's actions. Neither do you.

What I'm learning as I enter this new phase of my twenties is that the language we use subconsciously depicts how we actually feel about certain people, and by picking apart the way in which we communicate with each other, we can ultimately determine whether someone has our best interests at heart. And, well, this in certain moments has enabled me to find sanctuary with some relationships, and conflict with others. Reading this now, this recognition might feel rather damning for some of your beloved relationships, however it might also allow you to see which are most valuable compared to others, and which are holding on by a thread. When you think about it, that's not such a bad place to be either because having many friendships that aren't built to last doesn't really feel like you're winning. Fewer friendships with deeper, more meaningful connections will stand the test of time always. It's important we remember that when life gets rocky in order to let what's weighing you down go and, be free without guilt. It's part of growing older. I'm clear on that now.

Trudging up these feelings, I'm starting to feel like as we get older, at our own pace we all have this same realisation when it comes to the relationships we make, and how to maintain them if we want to. Maybe these thoughts are occurring because of a subconscious pressure I'm feeling surrounding turning 30 next year? I don't know. Regardless. I'm slightly more twitchy currently, but I know eventually this lesson will be the most fulfilling. I'm now able to conclude that apologising doesn't make me weak in times of turmoil but, it does cause confusion and more upset for me personally when I don't receive an apology back (when I deserve one). Apologising also doesn't undo upset on either side. Sometimes apologising is entirely a pointless game. So, unless the apology is absolutely necessary and sincere, it's not ever going to be enough to amend some friendships without an actual behaviour change.

Reflecting on friendships over the past decade, I know that I can be and am a very good, loyal, kind friend but, I also know that I've been terrible in the past. That I can accept and not hate myself for these days. But, what I'm seeing now most importantly is that maybe others I've clung onto in the past are at a different stage, where maybe they don't find fault with themselves or see certain situations as an opportunity to overcome and, that it's okay if we aren't on the same page. Disappointing but okay. We don't have to cause more upset by continuing to try and build our foundations back up, or tear them down further. I'm speaking to you here Kate - not every relationship needs to be thriving! Some will come and go in an instant. We're coming out of one of the toughest years imaginable and, I've in moments been extraordinarily cruel to myself. I'm now choosing to listen to all of the worthwhile voices in my life, accept that I've hurt people, that they've hurt me too and, to now choose to let burdens I've held onto for many years go.