18 April 2021

I'm Not Ready



Almost a week ago lockdown eased and some of our favourite shops, restaurants and bars opened their doors once more. Whilst it's been an exciting time for many to splurge, go for a drink or enjoy brunch again, I haven't felt ready. I didn't realise this until I woke today. 


Blueberry porridge has just been devoured and my coffee sits beside me too hot. I'm thinking. I've come to like this life quite a bit. To be honest, it's all I really know in this home. This home we moved to in September 2019, where we enjoyed our first Christmas, feeling happier than ever and by March, lockdown arrived. We haven't tasted what life long term outside of lockdown is like here. We haven't discovered whether the social club down the road is worth joining, mapped out a decent bus route, stumbled home from a nearby pub or found a local brunch spot. 


What we know is that this home is everything. The garden might still be empty besides from a shed and BBQ, but it's vast. Our front lawn is cool all year round and our home, tiny but worth every penny. The neighbours all generous and the road, quiet. When we moved here we became proper grown ups. Or, at least that's how it felt, or how we like to think we're perceived. 


Today, for the first time in forever my partner is away and I'm tucked up in bed. The sun is shining, plans have been made to meet with friends, but the truth is I'm not quite ready. I don't mind though.


I'm the type of person who almost too comfortably will sit for days or weeks alone. I can keep my mind occupied mostly, and don't desire much social interaction. One day every other week is enough for me, with maybe a few phone calls in between. I like walking a lot, I don't drink often. I love solo brunch dates and have specific spots I like to visit. I'm a sucker for routine and, although I can preach all day about the importance of change, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to accepting it too. I love my friends but, I don't always make time for them. I don't bend for many and, have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to unreliability. Although, I'm the first to cancel plans if I'm just not feeling it. I'm a hypocrite, I get it!


I'm broke always too and often find myself the poorest in the friend group. I'm not crap with money, trust me. I plan every penny and spend it wisely. But, I don't earn much. Definitely not enough to save. My overdraft is maxed out, my credit card too. I'm not ashamed to share my financial circumstance with you, but friends... well, they can be judgy. The start of this year was rough, you know, if you read that blog post. It's going to take me some time to recover from that, which I accept, whilst still feeling upset by it all. 


What I'm telling you is, it's not time for me to resurface yet. In more ways than one. My bank account says no, my brain tells me to stay home. A currently injured foot won't wake up and, my heart is happy at home. I work now too (loving if fyi) but, days off feel precious again. I've found meaning once again and appreciate the importance routine plays in my mental stability.


So! Life can wait for me. The shops will still be there, my favourite brunch spot still exists and, there's nothing I can't order online these days. Blue skies remind me that brighter days are here, and even brighter ones are coming, but there's simply no rush. The apple tree in my garden is beginning to bloom, I've already had two BBQ's this Spring and, everything I need is right here at home with me. Maybe in May after my second vaccine has set in and when, I'll be dawning fresh eyebrows and hair, I'll change my mind. For now, I'm good. I'm not ready and that's okay. 


I don't miss life before lockdown. 




4 comments

  1. I genuinely think it's too early for almost everything to be opening up! I can also heavily relate before I started paying my debt I spent about 9 months in a situation where I genuinely could not afford to pay anything and never had any money even though I worked 50+ hours a week, it's so disheartening.

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  2. I feel exactly like you Kate, it's very difficult if you were already an introvert. I thrived in lockdown - I was able to stop and reset and restart, and I would have not been able to do so if something this life-changing wasn't here to put a stop to my work-non-stop attitude. I am also not ready to go back, why would that be bad? I think everyone needs their time, and we might just need a little more than other people who thrive in crowds. x

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  3. I'm here for this post 110%. I don't miss life before lockdown. It was a horrible life. I'm much happier now and where I'm at in my life.

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  4. Love this Kate, can definitely relate a little! I'm excited to see family and friends but I'm like you, a bit of a home bird and lover of the cosy comforts of home! I'll happily stay indoors for a bit longer haha xxx

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