You might recall that at the beginning of February I was feeling utterly hopeless, lost and broke beyond words. I couldn't even feel content sitting in the tub, and that's just not like me! I wrote When Life is on Hold during one of my most troubled moments, and although I have no regrets about publishing such raw emotion, I have thought about taking this blog post down. I know now that would be wrong of me. I swore when creating this humble blog of mine that I'd share the good, the bad and the ugly, so I must continue to do just that. Kindly Kate has become a diary of sorts for me, an outlet to breathe and a resource for my lovely following to seek reassurance and comfort - Precisely why this piece of writing must stay put regardless the difference I'm living today.

The last six months have possibly been the worst of my life. Although I'm yet to determine this fact definitively after several spouts of terrible mental health during the past eight years. As always when my mental health has spiralled, I've often wondered if things would ever get better or go back to what I know as normal. Besides from lockdown I've dealt with health scares, family trauma, unemployment and financial worry and became entangled in arguments beyond reconciliation. I dyed my hair a moody brown, cried in my partners arms over failed cakes, ate my body weight in donuts, called my mum every day to talk about Married at First Sight Australia, found a new favourite chinese takeaway and struggled to find my purpose. At points I'd felt so unlike myself, losing interest in my favourite hobbies and wondering if there was a target on my back. 

The me who existed one year ago is gone. Within the last six months I've dealt with situations some might only encounter every few years, and no I'm not saying I'm worse off than anyone else of course, I'm just saying it's been bloody rough. Even the me who existed shy of six months ago is gone. I'm seeing life differently these days for better or worse. Without a doubt I'm much more cynical than ever before, but I'm also acutely aware that I want to do everything within my power to ensure that those who I encounter just for a few short minutes, or who enter my life for the foreseeable feel safe and secure having spoken to me. Regardless of the trauma I'm going through, I never want to show hate or malice, especially towards people who couldn't know. 

From reflecting on past blog content today I'm seeing that my life is full of the highest of highs and terrible lulls. I'm either on top of the world. Motivated, calm and excited or, I'm lonely, pouting and tearing my hair out. There's no in between. Is that normal? I'm not sure. But, I'm here today and this spout of joy is worth telling. What I really want to share with you is that the sun has begun to shine again recently. I've found some light and I'm feeling good. March is here. Spring is on the way and some circumstances are on the up my friends! I hope this might be the case for you as well.

Much like my moods, this blog post is a little sporadic, I hope you don't mind. I want you to know that my hair is pink again. I'm feeling good thoughts. Birds are chirping away and the patio doors are open. I have a new job I'm already loving, a work-life balance made for me and, a vision for the future. I still bake ugly cakes though, but I'm not crying about them any more. In a roundabout way what I'm trying to explain is that life is a rollercoaster - Um, I'm not actually sure I like than Ronan Keating reference lol. Let's start again. Life is a journey? Sure. Some of our most memorable moments will be events we wish we could forget. But, there's hope to be found too if we hold on and tap into who we truly are, and stop listening to those intrusive voices in our heads. They aren't our friends.

Many aspects of my life are still totally uncertain, and I'm very cautious of that, yet I've reached a point where I see clearly now that I can still choose to feel optimistic. We all deserve to at least try when our world feels shattered. It's certainly easier to do that now I've found purpose in my days again, I won't lie. But, we can all get there in our own time. I'm simply cutting myself some slack and holding on to the aspects of my life I'm able to feel good about, you should too! 

I have immeasurable gratitude for those who quite literally saved me. I value friendship and loyalty more than ever these days thanks to friends who sent me flowers, found me work, fed me and spoke to me every day. I appreciate slow days spent at home again, this dreamy blog of mine that I adore so much and, the partner I'm greeted with at the end of every working day. I value every moment on the phone with my mum who I miss so much, watching the sunset from my garden and having a full fridge. I acknowledge that life is full of hits and misses,  and that dark days won't last forever. We just have to allow ourselves some space to digest our feelings, to process whatever is thrown our away and to slowly let go of our pain. Write it all down if you have to. Share it with the world, or just yourself. Do what you can with what you have. Find the tools and strength to muddle on.

I like to share some advice in amongst my own experiences whenever I choose to sit down and write, so this is your gentle reminder to become your own best friend. Be soft but strong. Hold your head up high and know whatever hell you're currently living through shall pass eventually. There's no rush just because lockdown is easing either. Speak to yourself nicely and know that you can feel good again in your own time - even if it takes a little longer than you might like. I've certainly learnt that lesson the hard way! It probably won't be the last either as someone who has zero chill in processing the nitty gritty.

I also want you to know that if you've lived through this past year without dwindling mental health or other hurt in your life, that's great and shouldn't be overlooked either. I'm proud of us all whatever your circumstance and you shouldn't feel guilt for feeling good, or not.