1 February 2021

When Life Is on Hold



I sat in the bath for over an hour and it didn't cure my bad mood. A true story.


I'm not glamourising anything here.


I've been trapped within my own over-thinking over-anxious brain for over a month now, and I don't know how much longer I stand it. I certainly didn't plan for such an extended absence of purpose. 


I've always been this way. Someone who worries too often about the small details most others can shrug off. I talk and talk and talk myself in circles until the basic truths become warped, confused and totally out of sight. It's quite honestly unbearable when you spend so many hours in the day all alone. 


You should know I'm an introvert at heart. I value my own space and need time alone to find my peace at the end of every day. But, how much time can someone spend in their own company without going utterly nuts?! Seriously, I'm asking. Not for a friend. For me. I need to know because I'm crying daily at the moment. Watching my bank balance dwindle as I plan which bills I'll pay this month and which will have to wait. I know I'm not alone but please hear me out.


I'm praying for better brighter days and know that Spring is on the way, but that doesn't stop me from feeling insane now quite honestly. You can manifest, have words with yourself, reach out to loved ones, try out every self-care technique in the book and still, sometimes it's never going to be enough. The dark moments still roll in much more than any good, swallowing you whole, taking your partner down with you.


I've read every motivational quote, chopped off my hair in moments of true sadness, baked ugly cakes I didn't dare to share on the internet, ranted endlessly to my partner, made spreadsheets and financial forecasts,  chased countless emails and, concluded patience is what I need. A trait I don't possess in any facet, but something I'm told will be my only saviour through these current hardships.


I trust the timing of my life entirely, and I feel so much security from those I love around me, but all of the reassurance in the world won't do when you feel so stagnant. Empty and lost. Yet spiralling. Wondering when on earth will it all fall into place? Will I ever reach my debt free ambitions and find my path?! Because I'm 28 now and I didn't think I'd be having such conversations with myself. I didn't want to write content like this that would form into never ending rants or arguments with myself. But, this is real. This is my life currently and I vowed to share it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. 


Well here it is. 


I'm fresh out of an underwhelming bubble bath and back in bed. Just me and utter silence. No passing trains today, no neighbour playing the saxophone and no birds chirping outside. Bolognese is cooking away packed full of red wine and, whilst typing these thoughts, I've slowly shimmied down this bed and under my blanket. It's time for another afternoon of bad day time TV and Candy Crush. 


You might dream of lazy moments like this when you're cooped up and overwhelmed with work, but trust me when I say there's so much comfort to be found when you know another paycheck is on the way. Days like these are wonderful, healing and calm when you need to rest. But, when the world feels busy and you feel useless, the feeling of nothingness couldn't be worse. I suppose what I want to say is that I'll never take for granted another penny. I can't wait for the day I can buy the items I so desperately need like new underwear, good conditioner, a hairbrush and ice cream. Ben and Jerry I need you more every day.


I trust that this fog will disperse soon, and I will emerge from this rut again in time for warmer weather. I simply wish I had more information. More than anything I desperately wish I could appreciate my time and enjoy the comfort of being at home safe during a pandemic. Instead, however I find myself feeling unhinged. Wondering whether quitting my job caring for those dying of COVID was worth the risk after all. I'm also beyond grateful to have found myself so lucky to find a new job I think I'm going to love in the first place, whenever my start date arises. It feels like it never will. My thoughts are spiralling again right?


I suppose like many my life has stopped completely. There's no moving forward but, I'm thankful to not be moving backwards either. I just want this new normal to end right this second. I'm of course grateful for a roof over my head and a warm home to wake up in. However, I want to tell you that I can afford my next food shop and that, I can't say for certain. Money in running dry and I don't know how to not feel stressed about that.



6 comments

  1. Such an honest portrayal of how you're feeling. I have to admit I'm feeling somewhat the same, like everything is just on hold and I don't know how to rid myself of the stress of paying bills etc. We'll get through this though.

    I hope you feel better soon. It'll be hard for a while, but the light always comes. I promise.

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been feeling similarly low through these strange times. It's very difficult to just let go and admit that stress is natural right now. We're definitely not alone in our fears but that of course doesn't make how we feel any easier to digest.

      Sending so much love xx

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  2. Wow. Thank you for sharing this honest account of how you're feeling. I can imagine a lot of people will relate right now. Although I'm in a pretty positive place, the pandemic and the lockdown is really getting to me in the "life being on hold" sense x

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    1. Thank you for reading lovely. I wasn't going to hit publish yesterday afternoon but, the words just kept typing themselves and I knew I needed to be honest with my readers. As I said, I promised to share the good, the bad and the ugly after all.

      I'm so pleased you're doing well through lockdown 3.0 however and to watch your blog continue to thrive x

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  3. This is such a candid read. I knew I had to read and follow you, as a fellow introvert, also from Devon, who suffered a mental breakdown. You're never alone xx

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  4. With the pandemic, I lost a lot more than just my job, I lost a balance that was already very much all over the place - and it's so weird to be able to see your words and in a way feel them as if they are mine...

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