9 February 2021

Getting to Know Myself Through Lockdown

 



Locked down. Locked in. Locked out. 


Snow begins to settle outside my house. I open the door and step into the garden to see if it's real, running back inside to warmth almost immediately. I brew myself a large helping of coffee in my favourite yellow mug and feel as though, like snow, life appears to float on by without me. 


I'm sorry for myself. I fold my body back away in bed and watch the Office US on TV. Hours later and I'm thoroughly awake. Pottering about the kitchen, cooking lasagna and singing my heart out whilst the weather still feels glum. Much the contrast to last weeks misery, where days bumped into one another, anxiety heightened by the minute and I chose to bite my nails off. I told myself that if no one is here, if no one knows I'm home, it doesn't matter if I don't do anything with my time. Those words sunk to the pit of my stomach and just sat there. Waiting for me to grasp that I should want to show up for myself, to admit that not every day is joyous, but to at least have motivation to try. 


Last week was not the one and that's okay. I needed to sink that low, to write my last blog post and to prove to myself that I could get back up again. I was however given a little nudge from someone who told me to "stand down" on Friday and although, angry at this comment shutting out my over-thinking brain, I now realise those were the words I needed to hear. To conclude that I can't control everything, so I must focus on what I can, like making my bed every day and cooking delicious meals for myself. Example: the home made chicken kiev I created for the first time last week that was delicious (reminder: must write recipe) - proving that even the worst days can be cured through dinner, because even after a hideous day I  can confidently step into my kitchen and know how to bake a lemon drizzle cake or how long a chicken takes to roast. These facts make up for all those small worries I'm unable to shake. Sometimes my kitchen is the only place I feel comfortable and I'm wholeheartedly happy to admit that. Albeit, sometimes I might wish this truth wasn't the case.


If you're wondering, yes I've been cooking a lot more lately. More creatively than ever before. You see playing chef is hobby of mine, something I occasionally regret not pursuing as a career. Maybe one day you might see me on Masterchef concluding that my boat hasn't sailed yet. This love affair with cooking stemmed through my childhood and feels deep rooted into my personality, yet I'm squeamish so some of the tasks surrounding chef life I don't desire to achieve. Other ingrained traits include my clumsiness, timid nature and the biggie, my dry sense of humour.


For a few years I think I managed to forget that our personalities don't stop growing when we leave our teenage years behind. Lockdown season one taught me a lot about that, all undone now I might add. I thought then that I wanted to be self-employed but wasn't career-driven, that Autumn was my favourite season and I loved my own company. But, when thinking back now I'm able to remove my rose-tinted glasses and see that my positive mindset was simply fuelled by stability at work and the warmth of Spring motivating me to rise every day with happiness, money in the bank and a new blog just formed. 


This time around, unemployed and far more hard-headed, I've accumulated what feels like a wealth of new traits for better or worse in just over one month of 2021 havoc. Such traits include my patience or lack of, which has ultimately been tested beyond words. I've also found a level of ambition I didn't think would be possible to acquire, as I await my new job which might actually stem into some sort of career. I'm also less frugal than I thought or, at least I've had to adjust my mindset and prioritized that sometimes pizza = happiness. I miss people so much too. I've also realised that I'm lazier than I should be and that's not always due to a downpour of bad mental health. Often even on the sunniest days where I'm feeling a level of optimism that's unusual, all I still want to do is stay in bed watching old episodes of Scrubs. And, I do just that. Only stirring from my duvet when absolutely necessary. I have no shame. Oh and, most importantly Autumn is beautiful but, Summer has my heart.


Yet, longing for sultry sunshine on my skin, I look out this window today feeling less lost than January. Still confused and worried about what lies ahead and when, but allowing myself to enjoy time at home. To embrace the fact that I'm safe here. Tucked away down in my quiet cul-de-sac, feeling thankful to live in such a wonderful light home, with a loving partner and an abundance of family just a phone call away whatever the weather.


I'm learning that we all feel abandoned sometimes. These days that are reaching their momentous twelve month milestone have been testing, full of financial instability for many including myself, and so much concern about when the bad news might end. It's not easy to feel hopeful, but light can be found on the darkest of days. Enjoy food you love, watch programmes that make you laugh, cry or both and, just do what you can to feel good in some way every day. Remember, the snow never settles for too long and Spring is on the horizon.


Moving forward I'm hoping to continue being creative with my cooking, writing when the headspace fits, communicating more online and, just being more open in every conversation I find myself in, instead of shying away. I'm going to love my life more, unlocking value in my days and finding gratitude for all I currently have to hold onto.




6 comments

  1. I love your honesty in this post, I think lockdown has taught us so much about ourselves and I think we're all going to leave lockdown completely different people x

    Lucy | www.lucymary.co.uk

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  2. Wow thank you so much for opening up and being so honest. This lockdown has taught me/shown me so much about myself. Just know you are not alone. Thanks again for sharing x

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  3. Your posts are so beautifully written, you could write a book. Thank you for sharing an honest post about how you're feeling. I'm longing for a bit of sun and warmth right now too. I think when Spring hits, we might start feeling a bit more positive x

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    Replies
    1. Oh, thank you Jenny! One day I'd absolutely love to write a book, although I'm not sure on what topic I'd focus my writing towards.

      I'm so so ready for Spring, trying to be patient but as always I'm failing a little.

      Kate x

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  4. This is so raw and beautifully written. I think this time has made a lot of people look within and realise a few things about themselves and their lives, I imagine a lot of people will be looking for change when this is all over x

    Sophie
    www.glowsteady.co.uk

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  5. I loved reading this! It's interesting to hear how someone else has experienced their inner life and thoughts during this strange period of isolation. Like you, I feel like I've discovered a lot about myself that I hadn't realised before. Lockdown has made me face my negative qualities as well as see my strengths more clearly, and it's shown me things about my life passions and personal tastes that I hadn't had time to really think about before. Thanks for sharing this lovely post!

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