27 December 2020

Reflecting on my past & deciding what's 'enough'




It's been a while since I've written here. I've missed it. It's been a while since I've been in the right frame of mind. But, there's something about this time between Christmas and New Year that gets me feeling giddy to greet what's next. It's an odd feeling this time around though, because the uncertainty of everything feels slightly terrifying too after the obstacles 2020 has hurtled our way. I almost feel like I'm watching a horror movie with lots of jump scares. I'm enthralled to keep going despite so much adrenaline and anxiety. I will not be beaten. I will not press stop on this ride or, hide behind a pillow. I need to see what's around the corner no matter how harrowing because we just don't know what's about to happen. It's not worth envisioning the details but, we can move forward with hope and less fear.


My mood today is much different from my previous writing, where I refused to grasp the steps in front of me. I didn't want to reflect on 2020 too deeply after last month and I still don't but, I can't help myself.  Because, just as I thought life couldn't get worse in November, it did. Then things picked up in time for Christmas. My luck changed overnight. Life became slightly less hellish for me to comprehend. And, although I mostly have no idea what the next year has planned for me and, I'm absolutely not going to even begin contemplating any goals, 2020 has made me realise what is enough for me moving forward and what I deserve more importantly. 


I've come to learn that I'm the type of person who never takes too much. I always give 100% to whatever I throw myself into at work or in my personal life but, in terms of 'enough' I'm quite comfortable with very little. If I have a roof over my head, money to pay the bills and food in the fridge, I'm quite content. You see, all I want for myself is a small peaceful life where I can feel comfortable. I never have money saved and, I would always rather spend on other people than buy myself something I've been longing after for months. I blame this slight frugality or reluctance to spend on my upbringing. I don't come from a wealthy family. I'm the product of a single mum, who was also raised by a single mum, who was also raised by a single mum. These women slaved away night and day to put dinner on the table for their families, leaving nothing for themselves. 


Growing up when my friends were dreaming about their next big holiday abroad, going on school skiing trips or drooling over whatever their mum might of rustled up for dinner, I was going home and cooking with my sister whilst mum slept or worked. I was dreaming about just getting through the day, the possibility of getting the latest Polly Pocket or, wondering whether we might be so lucky to visit our favourite Cornish beach that Summer. My life was small but, I was happy and loved. My mum made sure we never missed out, always finding ways to keep us smiling. 


Whilst It's just myself, my mum and sister now, I'll never forget my heritage or seek a grand life. Feeling fed, safe and warm is all I ever needed growing up and my mums tireless effort to achieve that has made her my hero. She's the someone I'll always make sure to spoil unexpectedly because she deserves to live lavishly.


Thinking back to my childhood, I never had much ambition for a successful future. I don't think I ever really thought I'd be part of it. Still, I kept pushing forward nonetheless. I found drive within me probably passed down through generation after generation of strong women. I found odd jobs whilst failing my studies and yet, as if by magic I attended university. I didn't dream of climbing any type of career ladder but, still I leaped at the prospect of someday being able to earn more than minimum wage. Five years later well, I laugh because I'm still earning minimum wage. So, there we go! 


I wouldn't of had it any other way to tell you the truth. Over the past couple of years you could argue I've made a few career blunders. Turned opportunities into nightmares and tucked myself back away in my comfort zone. But, money isn't everything. Happiness no matter what comes first I've come to learn. And, when you're earning minimum wage in a job that no longer satisfies your happiness either, it's time to re-evaluate. 


I suppose that's precisely why I'm here now. It's a sunny Sunday morning and I'm in bed, scrutinising everything I know to be true before the year is out. 


None of us predicted the year we've just had and when I look back now at last years hopes for 2020 I cringe. But, recently I've found my ability to laugh again. I've found myself looking at the lighter side of life. I've been considering all of the good and not just the rotten, despite the overbearing darkness 2020 imposed. And, it's not been easy reflecting on the events that unfolded this year. But, I've enjoyed looking back over my life this morning. I don't think it's always possible to focus on the present without concluding how we arrived. I've found some recent good when I ultimately thought I'd reached my lowest point, making it so much easier to digest current affairs with a level of complacency instead of hatred. And, when I look back I see that I've always been able to find joy during some moments where I thought life was utter misery. I was focusing too much on the negative instead of appreciating how valued and cared for I truly am.


I've debated sharing my positivity online when the world seems so gloomy, but I think it's important to know that life isn't entirely hopeless, just because it might feel that way currently. My relationship and various other opportunities that have come my way are a true testament to that. You should remember that too if you choose to reflect on your own life in the next few days. Circumstances are always changing and after recent events in my own life I'm truly beginning to believe in the power of manifestation. This concept I've always used subconsciously for years, whether I'm wishing for a sale on the lamp shade I desire from Dunelm or, praying for a new job (spoiler altert: guess who's' got a new job lined up?!). 


Basically, if you're going to take anything away from this blog post it should be this: coming to terms with what is enough in your life is the most rewarding practice moving into a new year, even if you realise you're not achieving whatever is enough right now. Not many of us are. But, don't simply judge your achievements from this past year. You have so much to be proud of. Please look at the big picture. 2020 has been crappy and unfair on us all yet, there's so many glimmers or good to be found if you look closely enough. Please know though, that it's okay if you can't find them. If you feel a little lost, low and sorry that's okay too, because you're not alone in this ever! Life will change and you will find clarity again.


I'm leaving this year with a lot of worries still too but, thankfully I've found some solace that I'm hoping to cling on to. I'm beginning to see the sun in one aspect of my life or two. I know now that I deserve good things and to feel happiness even when life is tough. I'm realising too that it's also okay to take a little more sometimes, to act selfishly and, to give myself the kindness I so deserve. To know my worth moving into the new year feels so powerful and, concluding now that this life I'm stepping into is enough in every possible way is a dream come true.


I'm entering the 2021 with no expectations, just acceptance for the eventualities that come my way. I'm absolutely terrified and so ready for whatever lies ahead. 





2 comments

  1. Such a beautifully written post! Your mum sounds like a hero, in a long line of them - including you! I think you're right that it's important to reflect in order to move forward, and here's to 2021, your new job and a fresh start!

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    1. Thank you so much for your kindness Cat. My mum has had a very rough ride over the past few years but, she's truly amazing and I'm so proud of her.

      It's certainly scary looking ahead but, I'm trying so hard to feel optimistic. I think it's too easy to let the hate / upset etc win right now, so I'm trying my best x

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