Early afternoon and I'm here sipping red wine of a mid week whilst listening to a calm & nice Spotify playlist I created several months back.  

When did I become this person you ask? The type of woman who basks in indoor Autumnal sunshine pretending she has absolutely 0 items on her to-do list. I tell you now there are several things I should be getting on with but, instead here I am day drinking just one tall glass of wine I said I'd cook with. As someone who only drinks a couple of times a year usually, today's behaviour is highly unlike me.

But you see I'm waiting for the calm before the storm. As if we haven't all encountered an avalanche or two this year already. Because wouldn't it be too simple if this year were to not get worse? Maybe I'm being overdramatic or too pessimistic. But, I'm done with dwelling on 2020 and I know I'm not alone in this. It's been a real shitter right? And once I've finished writing this I'm not looking back. You can't make me. 

I didn't ask for much from 2020. I merely wished for a mellow low-key kind of year. A year to enjoy my new home, with a little less worry and a little more money in fact. What did I actually get? The worst anxiety I've experienced since my early twenties, less money and a pandemic alongside, a healthy dose of family turmoil to top it all off nicely in time for lockdown 2.0. 

I've cried a lot. Bit my nails off, picked my skin away and pushed myself to breaking point. I quit my job in the middle of a pandemic, attempted to unearth my dream of becoming a freelance writer...and failed, created a newsletter concept, chipped away at my brand in order to find my niche, learnt first aid, made wonderful online friendships with several other beautiful bloggers, I've been more honest with myself and stepped back when I knew I wasn't okay. I've lived in pyjamas mostly, stopped wearing makeup, sang my heart out on more than one occasion to One Direction, lost a stone in weight and put in back on, invested too much time on TikTok, went back to work in care throughout the pandemic, cried on the bus, missed my real life friends so much, learnt how to bake brownies, burnt several lemon drizzle cakes, made good friends with the neighbours, fell in love more than ever with my partner of almost five years and, most recently received some heartbreaking news about my mums health.

It's not all been bad of course but, most mornings these days I wake up and just for a moment I forget my recent troubles. Until my brain awakens and my eyes begin to well up. The pain sinks in. And, here I am day drinking. Sofa bound, in my dressing gown and holding on tightly to this glass of wine. I'm contemplating what's next. Shall I chuck the rest of this bottle in a pan as intented and make spag bol for dinner or, shall I simply drown my sorrows? Will I make it out of the year alive or do I have more heart wrenching news to look forward to? 

You might think I'm writing this blog post a month too early but, to be honest I don't know when I'll have the energy to write again. My emotions have been 100% getting the better of me lately and finding the words today has been a bloody miracle because, most days I'm just plodding along. 

I'm trying my best to feel hopeful whilst also feeling absolutely terrified about what's next...which is why I won't be entertaining the idea of predicting 2021 in any way either. I hope you weren't anticipating any exciting 2021 goal type blog content because it's absolutely not happening. I just can't look forward and I won't look back any more. Living here in these small moments is the most important thing I can do this Autumn to take care of myself and, I hope you can do the same too. 

Just know that although I might be slightly quieter than usual online, I'm always here watching, reading and listening to all of your wonderful content in the background. And, if you ever need to chat I'm available.

For now however, I'm off to enjoy my favourite time of year. The one thing I can predict is that they'll be a lot of comfort food being devoured within the near future and that's truly something to feel good about.