15 October 2020

Down by the River.

I haven't written for a while. I haven't been able to find the words to explain my mindset without going through every detail, in which I already wrote about on September 22nd. And, honestly I can confirm not much has changed besides the fact that I've been baking a lot of brownies. But, this past weekend down by the river with my partner and his father, I found something I'd been longing for. A glimmer of hope and a sense of calm that can only be found through spending time with those who truly know you. The real you who exists when everything else is stripped away. The you who can be found when life is quiet and the worries of every day cease to exist. In those moments nothing else could matter. It's just us and the sound of the rushing river.

In those moments I felt free. Just two cosy days, tucked up away and nowhere to be found. 

I feel safe.

I'm able to forget about all my troubles and simply let go. 

We drank copious amounts of red wine, ordered takeaways, ate a lot of cake, made bagels for breakfast, roamed Dartmoor and laughed a lot. 

This wholesome weekend felt like a small slice of heaven. 

A dream. 

A blip.

Once we'd returned on Sunday afternoon I fell back into my slumber. A heavy mood set in and cursed my start to a new week. I spent all of Monday feeling out of sorts whilst trapped for 15 hours and, spent Tuesday sleeping a dreaded migraine away. Only waking in the evening to cook dinner and watch the Haunting of Bly Manor. These dark days cast a humungous shadow over any joy I hold on to tightly in my arms and crush my spirit entirely. When blissful days of calm can be found there are several of angst to follow. With a guilty conscience I conclude that I'm to blame. I'm the person who swept the rug up from under me. The person who decided to uproot stability and push for spontaneity. Living with anxiety and pushing for a life I might not ever be able to achieve or, even enjoy.

At the moment I feel like my head is barely floating above water. Waves are crashing over me and I'm gasping for air almost every day. Asking for a break. A sign. Someone to pull me out. Anything. 

But, I'm not entirely hopeless or ready to give up because there are still days where I feel more alive. Awake and inspired to tackle the whatever obstacle is headed my way. Today is one of those good days. Where moments of clarity can be nourished and you can find me on the sofa, dressed and drinking water instead of drowning amongst it. In these moments I'm able to focus on the good in my life and stress less about everything I'm not. I shower, cook the food I love and look after my well-being on every level. 

This evening is a proof of that. With a glass of lemonade to one side, a rhubarb candle flickering away and the subtle sound of my neighbour practising the saxophone (a skill he's actually become pretty good at through lockdown I might add), I reminiscence about Saturday mornings walk and long for more over the coming months. I close my eyes and I'm back. Hidden under a bridge, sheltering from light rain amongst the rocks with two of my favourite humans. Soaking up Autumnal fresh air, enjoying cool sunshine and realising how small the war inside my mind truly is. A fight I can't let rage and ruin more precious moments or opportunities to enjoy the people I love. So, I'm pacing myself. Learning to reflect with less hurt and more acceptance. 

Down by the river I admire the still of calm waters and hope to find similar within myself through the final quarter of 2020. My favourite season is here and I'm manifesting positivity with every fibre of my being. I'm being completely honest with myself for what's left of this year and with full transparency I'm opening up much more to the people in my life I value wholeheartedly.  

More than anything I just hope to make it through these next few months by simply keeping my head high. If I can earn enough to pay the bills and enjoy the festive season with the one I love I'll be happy. I don't wish for any more and I can't cope with any less. 

I know I'm not alone when I admit that life is cruel and scary right now. It's terrifying to conclude that all we can do is sit back, settle in and do whatever we can to feel whole. For me, I've found this through cooking hearty meals, writing down my every thought and most recently, escaping with Gilmore Girls. 

For tonight though, I'm about to devour a mighty bowl of popcorn and finish watching the Haunting of Bly Manor. 

1 comment

  1. Absolutely wonderful post Kate, I love your honesty. It's definitely a tough time at the moment but you are doing great. I loved reading about the day at the river and the sense of calm you felt - so lovely. Hope things become more positive moving forward lovely :) Hannah xxxx


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