Defining My Own Success & Talking Small Wins

The older I get the more I realise how unimportant it is for me to lead a busy life. I don't have grand ambitions to climb a career ladder, long for huge financial gain, think too deeply about getting married, or worry about whether I'll ever have a mortgage. 

With a hot cup of coffee to my side and, listening to my partner play Zelda: Breath of the Wild on Switch, I feel calm and safe within the sanctuary we've forged in recent years, and aim for nothing more than a humble existence. A meaningful small life where we can thrive in the quietest of moments, with nothing much to do but love and nourish each others creativity, probably in a home that we're still renting when we're old. I want to feel comfortable, of course, and I'd love to live less frugally however, I also think it's okay to want an easy ride. To love whatever small life you have and not wish for that to change much. Because, after directly targetting a lot of hate inward within the past year, I'm gradually trying to stop forward-thinking, and start loving what I have now, living each day as it presents itself.

In the past I've contemplated various definitions of success and, have come to learn that everyone has their own. I might not seem successful from a monetary standpoint. I haven't been on holiday abroad for 10 years. But, I judge my wealth in other ways. You might look at me or, someone you know and think their life looks a little messy, yet they might be living their dream. It's easy to be judgemental but, I'm choosing to focus on what's important to me and aligns with my core values: kindness, creativity, security, sensitivity and happiness. It wasn't until I sat down and considered these recently that I was able to assess where I'm at thus far, and conclude what I desire for the rest of my existence. 

I strive to surround myself with good company, good food and supportive conversation. I want my home to be welcoming always, warm and free of clutter. I want the rest of my days to be less anxiety inducing than the years I've lived so far (although I'm not sure that's always going to be possible), and I want to keep learning, instead of sitting idly by. I know more than anything I need or want structure and to feel a sense of purpose if I hope to triumph at, well, anything! I'm also acutely aware that I need to obtain a level of freedom and flexibility away from rigid routines, if I want to not feel frazzled and overwhelmed by complexity within every facet of my life. Thanks to these acknowledgements I know not to wish for big things, or expect too much because I quite honestly can't handle that sense of disappointment we all feel when life doesn't quite move in the direction we'd hoped for. Yet, I'm also concluding that that's all okay because life isn't a one way fits all scenario. Planning big might work for some, but focusing on the mini achievements works better for my sanity.

Mini achievements and success in my life currently looks like, working a job where I feel appreciated and cared for. Having a full fridge and creating home cooked meals every evening. Having a maintained home where all the bills are paid, being able to afford my favourite brand of purple shampoo and, knowing that I have a wealth of friends and family to call upon if I need them. Maybe someday, success might change its meaning to me. Maybe someday I'll have enough expendable income to save and spontaneously book a holiday, but for now, when I sit down and really deeply think about things, life is treating me well. After feeling like a shit human earlier this month, I'm starting to take stock and conclude that I need to let go of what I can't control and, reflect on all that I have which is good.

Good things and small wins currently include:

• Successfully growing two tomato plants. 
• Taking up a small 20-minute exercise every evening.
• Managing to get my partner addicted to the Office US.
• Starting a course through my work in July to obtain MSc credits.
• Hosting a wonderful Father's Day BBQ in the sunshine (when the forecast predicted rain).
• Cooking and enjoying more vegetarian meals lately. 
• Eating my favourite smoked salmon, spinach and cream cheese bagels 2 days in a row.
• Learning all of the lyrics to every Bo Burnham's Inside.
• Changing my working days to improve my mental health.
• Enjoying warm evenings in the garden.  
• Revamping my blog and loving its new appearance. 
• Drinking for the first time since Christmas and discovering a new favourite gin.
• Getting to the beach and enjoying a beautiful day trip with mum.