I read somewhere recently that January is the Monday of months and whilst for me that doesn't really apply to my lifestyle, I can still understand the weight a bad day or month can carry.
Mid way through the month I started drafting a blog post titled 'What January Blues?' where clearly I was feeling somewhat over-confident and wanted to gloat about my positive mindset.
Little did I know, I was about to have the worst week due to what felt like endless period pain, whilst dealing with a hectic work week, assisting my mum organise her life before moving house, panicking about the clutter building up around my own home and, just generally being moody because I simply didn't have a single minute to myself to nap, hurt, grab a hot water bottle or take a damn bath.
It's been a struggle.
The rest of my month has been absolute bliss though. I feel sad that one low week has overshadowed the good, especially because there have been so many small achievements.
I mean, for the first time in a little while I've had some expendable income to enjoy. I was finally able to tick off some items on my need / want list such as a new coffee table and TV stand for our lounge and our new bed arrives later this week too. Amazingly I've also managed to pay off some debt and to spend on much needed items for myself including new makeup and some basic wardrobe items. For a long while I felt like my list just kept growing and would never end. Today however, I'm feeling so incredibly satisfied to see that list shrinking.
Whilst I appreciate that money isn't everything, it also plays a big part in my personal happiness. Some paychecks just don't stretch far enough compared to others - something I'm certainly experiencing this month. There is nothing worse than having to say no to every single plan thrown your way because you're broke. Not being able to buy more random shit from TK Maxx hurts too.
Steering away from my financial situation, I must say I'm so pleased with how my blog is taking shape. Rebranding towards the latter half of 2019 was a scary process but, I learnt a lot and I'm really happy I took such a big step forward. There's no doubt in my mind today that I did the right thing. I'm feeling more inspired than ever to create content and that feeling is absolutely priceless.
In other news I've also finally started a course through my employment which I'm not hating (mini wave in celebration of me). Motivation in doing said course initially was low but, I've received some kind feedback on my work which encourages me to keep going. In recent weeks I've also found a likeness towards green tea, an addiction to sweet chili hummus and have been perfecting my poached egg technique.
To sum up, January primarily you've been good to me but you've dragggggged and I'm done.
I'm completely ready to move on and for this ache in the pit of my stomach to cease.
I'm a 5'0" mid sized girl, but I've always felt I should be something else ~ slimmer, taller, with better posture or with more evenly proportioned features. For years I would've told you I was confident and happy with my appearance but I wasn't. I was lying. In reality I'd stand in front of my mirror every morning doubting my self worth and wishing to change.
I never truly understood that beauty comes from within until I had to go through the worst and pull myself back out. I always saw myself as a negative or nervous young adult, restless and timid but, in fact, I'm a kind-hearted, loving and supportive person. I'm a good friend a loyal partner and reliable colleague. Those things I've never given myself credit for until now.
I never truly understood that beauty comes from within until I had to go through the worst and pull myself back out. I always saw myself as a negative or nervous young adult, restless and timid but, in fact, I'm a kind-hearted, loving and supportive person. I'm a good friend a loyal partner and reliable colleague. Those things I've never given myself credit for until now.
The process of fulling liking myself is a slow one that constantly challenges me, but less than a month into the new decade and I'm already noticing a huge shift in my self-esteem. I've began to feel safer within myself. Safer might seem an odd word choice, yet I say it because I don't feel worried much any more. I don't worry about my mental health being so low that I won't be able to cope with disliking myself. I don't worry and feel unloved because of my appearance and I feel safe because I'm surrounded by people in my personal life and on social media who uplift me when I'm feeling down. I feel safe in the knowledge that I know exactly who I am, what makes me tick and the kind of lifestyle I need to sustain moving forward.
The journey is just beginning though. I need to love myself inside and out. To feel comfortable everyday and empowered. To understand that my body may not ever be where I want it to be and to love myself regardless.
So, in order to continuously move forward I aim to keep sharing more of me on my blog and social media when I feel comfortable. Hopefully not just through a spontaneous selfie when I see a cute/funny filter on Instagram, but through lots of practice with my camera and sometimes using my partner as my very own little photographer (which he absolutely hates by the way). I also want to share the highs and lows of my journey, to uplift and engage my audience and to grow as a writer as a result.
There is more to me than yesterday and I look forward to the road ahead.
So, in order to continuously move forward I aim to keep sharing more of me on my blog and social media when I feel comfortable. Hopefully not just through a spontaneous selfie when I see a cute/funny filter on Instagram, but through lots of practice with my camera and sometimes using my partner as my very own little photographer (which he absolutely hates by the way). I also want to share the highs and lows of my journey, to uplift and engage my audience and to grow as a writer as a result.
There is more to me than yesterday and I look forward to the road ahead.
How 10 years can shape you!
Aged 17 I knew nothing about the world and felt confused about everything. I had no idea what future I wanted for myself in any shape or form, and I never envisioned myself where I am today.
I've learnt a huge amount I can't even begin to comprehend but here's at least 10 life lessons...
1. I'm not academic and that's okay
I'm a much more practical person. Don't determine my worth through a high pressure exam or make me perform a presentation in front of an audience. Observe me work, hear me speak through conversation and allow me to write with no time constraint.
2. Don't bleach your hair alone at home without doing your research
Arguably my most valuable lesson.
I admit I had no idea what I was doing but, most experiments on my hair had worked through the years. Sadly despite many attempts, I can confirm that powder bleach is not your friend! These days I stay clear of any brand that promises the whitest hair imaginable and stick to high lift tint instead.
3. Planning every inch of my life is important to me
As the highly strung individual that I am, planning is key to a calm life. I admit when things go south I get a little stressed, but I try my best not to have a full blown meltdown and creating a joint Google Docs spreadsheet shared with my partner has helped. Here we plan our food shopping, weekly meals, household finances and to-do lists. I find the entire process oddly enjoyable and I can't imagine a world without this level of organisation now.
4. Sometimes you've got to kiss a lot of frogs
Thank you Tinder for your assistance during 2013 - 2015. Some guys truly broke me, some made me more confident and some were damn right insane. I absolutely have no regrets through, just lots of memorable moments.
5. You can hate your weight and still find happiness
I've been both skinny and miserable and chubby and happy. Right now I feel somewhere inbetween and so much more content with my life than ever before. I'd love to lose a little, but I understand that happiness comes from within. My weight is not up for discussion. I love food and if that means being a little heavier I'm cool with that.
6. Creative doesn't have to mean being an artist
It took me a long time to feel okay about not being a creative person in the artistic sense. I've realised however that creative can mean being a great cook, a good planner and a fun host. Creative can also mean how you choose to decorate your home, show off your personal style and create your brand.
7. It's fine not to go travelling in your 20s
I've watched so many friends and influencers my age or younger travelling the globe and whilst that looks amazing, it's just not me. I want to explore different cultures but money worries hold me back and, to be honest It's more important to me to have a home I can call my own right now. Somewhere I can return to and feel permanently safe. A space all my own to enjoy.
Spontaneity scares me.
Spontaneity scares me.
8. I'm not a Sagittarius after all
Guys, I'm a Scorpio! I don't care if my date of birth stipulates otherwise because I just don't feel it. I'm a water sign through and through.
9. Not going to that party is okay
If like me you've been to A LOT of parties / nights out that made you feel more alone that actually being in your own company, I think it's safe to say that it's okay to stay home. Ultimately your friends will still have a good time regardless and you can continue doing whatever else actually makes you happy. It took me a lot of hangovers and sad moments to realise this bombshell.
10. Buying a house isn't the most important thing
It's fucking hard to save and I refuse to live with my parents / my partners parents (lol that's not even an option) until we're in our mid 30s in order to do so.
I never thought we'd find an affordable house to rent as an alternative but we did and I'm still pinching myself about it. Our humble sized home is perfect for the next few years and we're very settled after only moving in September. Now buying isn't really on our immediate agenda and that's fine. If anything a weight has been lifted.
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